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[17 Jun 2003|01:14pm]
help me jeebus!
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jacob berendes [08 Apr 2003|08:48am]
last night, i dreamt of jacob berendes. i was in new york city, and he wanted to steal my motorcycle. i wouldn't let him, so he got mad and changed into a sort of frankenstein monster. he chased after me while the doorman of the hotel i was staying at jumped on his back to try to slow him down. the doorman wasn't very effective, so i started hitting jacob berendes on the nose with a wire basket (it might have been a shopping cart, i just remember metal bars). the doorman kept yelling at me to watch out for my fingers, because if jacob berendes got a hold of one of them, he would gnaw them off. i agreed. the basket beating left small golf ball dimples on jacob berdendes' nose, but they did not deter him. finally, i gave up and hopped on my motorcycle and sped away. unfortunately, i have no idea how to ride a motorcycle, so i couldn't get it out of first gear. this, coupled with the fact that there was ice on the ground, meant that i couldn't speed away from jacob berendes very quickly. instead, i just circled the block over and over again. finally, i guess i got away from jacob berendes, because i was back in my hotel room looking at a notepad that people i went to high school with had just signed. in their notes, everyone mentioned my dating a girl - that i never actually dated - in high school. the strange thing is that girl died in the world trade center on september 11th.

strange dream.
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i want to go home [01 Apr 2003|09:11am]
i want to go home
i want to go home
i hate work
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overheard. on the bus [26 Mar 2003|07:23am]
a group of about five or six teenage kids, yelling at each other in black vernacular.

Boy 1: Hey! How do you spell 900?
Group: N-I-N-E-H-U-N-D-R-E-D
Boy 1: Y'all nigga's think you're good? How do you spell google?
Group: (Muffled chattering, challenging each other with words to spell)
Boy 2: Oh yeah? How do you spell rheumatism?!
Group: .....
Group: R-O-O-M-A-

Me: Weeping silently.
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better off dead [24 Mar 2003|01:43pm]
"Truly, a sight to behold. A man, beaten. The once great champ, now a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed-up, aged ex-champion."
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wjek [24 Mar 2003|08:17am]
Overheard: On the police radio:

Cop #1: What's going on?

Cop #2: We have a group here on Van Ness and Market doing a "die-in" -- they're laying down all over the place.

A short time later.

Cop #1: What's going on now?

Cop #2: It's like the "Night of the Living Dead." The dead are all getting up and running away.
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this is the shock and awe attack [21 Mar 2003|02:58pm]
About 20 young people calling themselves Pukers4Peace emptied the plaza in front of the Federal Building with a street performance -- of induced vomiting.
"Militarism makes me sick," said Don Abbott, a Contra Costa College journalism student who headed the group. "Puking is the most disgusting display of emotion that is still legal. We've gotten flack from other protesters, but we are past trying to appeal to people's sensibilities."

The group splattered its message between 7 and 10 a.m., but pools of vomit still covered much of the plaza at mid-afternoon. Everyone who came within yards reeled away, fingers on noses.

"My puddle is the longest-lasting one," proudly declared Lauren Errea, a UC- Berkeley student.
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this is not the shock and awe attack [20 Mar 2003|10:33am]
this is not the shock and awe attack
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we're all going to hell in a handbasket [18 Mar 2003|08:14am]
From President Bush's prime-time address Monday on Iraq:

And all Iraqi military and civilian personnel should listen carefully to this warning: In any conflict, your fate will depend on your actions. Do not destroy oil wells, a source of wealth that belongs to the Iraqi people. Do not obey any command to use weapons of mass destruction against anyone, including the Iraqi people. War crimes will be prosecuted, war criminals will be punished, and it will be no defense to say, "I was just following orders."

...Do not destroy oil wells...

geez, i wonder what this war is really about?
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eh [13 Mar 2003|01:53pm]
ahh, my poor neglected bloggie thing. to be honest, i really have nothing to say to you. no raging emotions. no strange occurrences on public transportation. oh, except for the girl who was sucking her thumb on the bus ride home yesterday - she must've been 12 or 13, much too old to be sucking her thumb. where was i? oh yes, no new emails either. i think i've come to accept my lot in life.

i am calm.

i am relaxed.

life isn't good, but it's not bad either. where else can i work AND listen to guns 'n roses all day long.
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o o o o o h h h h h [07 Mar 2003|03:08pm]
i want to write poetry. i wish i could write poetry. i should try to write some poetry.

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007 [05 Mar 2003|10:21am]
so. in writing an email earlier, it popped out of my mouth - well out of my fingers, really, since i type emails after all - that i want to be a secret agent. i think it would be super cool to attend dinner parties in a neat-o suit made of bullet proof kevlar, with shoes that have hidden knives in the toes, and phones in the heels. so, let's make a list.

secret spy advantages:
  • shoes with knives in toes
  • watch that shoots lasers
  • acid filled pens
  • a lotus that changes into a submarine
  • getting mucho chicks
  • having mucho chicks all say, "oh james!"
  • coloring my hair - chest and head - black, and posing as a japanese fisherman. well, i guess this would only apply if i actually had chest hair. or if my hair wasn't already black. or if i was caucasian.
  • did i mention the shoes with the knives in the toes?
secret spy disadvantages
  • korean henchmen throwing razor blade hats at my head
  • having to wear a prosthetic third nipple while posing as scaramanga (the man with the golden gun)
  • getting killed
okay. after tallying up the results, it's advantages - 8, disadvantages - 3. wow, a clear majority. hmmm, i'll have to research this more.
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You have 0 unread messages: [04 Mar 2003|02:38pm]
four email accounts, and zero unread messages.

kill me now, before my head explodes.
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You have 0 unread messages: [04 Mar 2003|08:23am]
it's taunting me.
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You have 0 unread messages: [03 Mar 2003|03:06pm]
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bastard! [03 Mar 2003|07:18am]
i saw mike dunleavy jr. walking around san francisco yesterday. he plays for the golden state warriors. he was the third overall selection in last year's nba draft. he's 22. he's a multi-millionaire.

i work for the state of california. i've never been the third overall selection in any draft. i'm 27. i'm a hundredaire.

i'm depressed.

and poor. so very, very poor.
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stasis [28 Feb 2003|10:53am]
the waiting is killing me. waiting to see if i've gotten into grad school has been killing me for the last 2 months. i check my email 50 times a day, hoping for something. an interview request, an acceptance, anything. but so far, nothing.

plus, i'm sick.
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? [26 Feb 2003|01:23pm]
this article is a great example of the competency level of government in hawaii.
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#1 fan [26 Feb 2003|11:01am]
on monday, i was riding the bus when i found myself staring at the woman sitting across from me. i couldn't help it, there was something really familiar about her. when she started talking to the man sitting next to her, it hit me. she was the personification of kathy bates' portrayal of annie wilkes in the movie misery. it was amazing, she looked and sounded exactly like kathy bates. her conversation only reinforced the similarity.

man: God loves all of us
AW: yes, he does. you know, it was funny because just the other day, i lost my apartment. i prayed really hard, and God allowed me to keep my apartment.
man: [getting off the bus] well, you take care. God bless.
AW: oh, haha, i was just about to say 'God bless' to you as well.
man: remember, God answers our prayers.
AW: and He sends us people to talk to too. haha.
AW: [looking right at me] what are you looking at?
me: [stuttering incomprehensibly] huh? what? n-n-n-nothing.
AW: don't you know it's impolite to stare?! you dirty birdy!
AW: what's wrong with you people? do you all have amnesia?! he didn't get off the cock-a-doodie train!

actually, i wish this last part actually happened. it would have made for a more interesting ending to this otherwise boring story.
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burro [26 Feb 2003|09:50am]
i went downstairs to our cafeteria to buy a breakfast burrito. as i returned to my cubicle, i overheard my neighbor talking on the phone. i caught him mid-sentence, and heard him say, "...mine is very small. less than two inches." i almost dropped my

very large, nine inch long

burrito. after i finished my burrito, i noticed that it had dripped all over my lap. what a great morning.
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